Since it’s “Inktober” I’ve had a strong urge to draw. Here are a couple quick pieces I did this past month. The heart is drawn in marker first and then the lines are colored in black ink.
The coloring technique I used here- small shaded pieces – while artistically interesting, doesn’t do as much for the piece as I thought it might and is intensely tedious.I think it’s still cool but another coloring method could have been more dynamic.
Bob had an orange stand. Each week Bob was able to get 100 oranges and at the end of the week he had sold 100 hundred oranges. Bob was happy. Bob’s customers were very helpful and offered him business advice. Bob decided to hire a dancing cowboy to promote his oranges. His customers loved the cowboy! At the end of the next week Bob had sold 100 oranges and then he had to pay the cowboy. One day a man came to the orange stand and told Bob that he wanted a grapefruit. Bob told the man that they only sold oranges. The man said that the cowboy had given him a grapefruit on his last visit. Bob decided to sell grapefruits. Bob had an orange and grapefruit stand with a dancing cowboy. Each week Bob was able to get 90 oranges and 10 grapefruits and at the end of the week Bob had sold 90 oranges and 4 grapefruits and then he had to pay the cowboy. Bob was working harder than ever and making less money. Bob’s customers were very helpful and offered him more business advice. They told Bob to take pictures of all the oranges to help them decide which one they wanted to buy. Bob spent all week taking pictures while the cowboy danced. Bob was very tired. That week Bob was able to get 90 oranges and 10 grapefruits and at the end of the week Bob had sold 70 oranges and 2 grapefruits because he didn’t have time to run his stand. Then he had to pay the cowboy. Bob died poor, tired and unhappy. The End.
Notes: I wrote this story after “fighting” with some some members of a knife forum. Quite a few people were livid that my company doesn’t take pictures of each individual wood handled knife we sell. From their point of view I suppose it makes sense- since each piece of wood is different they want to see exactly what they’re getting. But if I sell every wood handled knife I can get as things stand why would I want to incur the expense of photographing them all? The assumptions people make about my business (i.e. the reasons that we do things a certain way) are often perplexing and almost always incorrect. If I did some of the things they suggest I’d quickly be out of business. In any event, forum fighting easily makes my top ten “most frustrating things in the world” list.
This is story my brother wrote a couple of years ago. I came across it in my email and decided to should put it up for the world to enjoy.
The Curious Misadventures of King Quincey
by Greg Hughes
King Quincey stood up from his noble seat and, with a wave of his royal fingers – each sporting kingly rings of authority featuring all colors of the rainbow – had one of his slaves hobble closer.
“I will see this bizarrely emaciated peasant now.”
The slave obeyed and the great doors to Quincey’s throne room creaked open, and from them came a hobbling man of undesirable attire. Quincey could tell a beggar from a mile away as soon as they got up close; they always smelled of manure and had an unsightly look about them. They were always asking for things, too. This older peasant was no different.
Quincey looked down at the man. “You have requested an audience, and I now grant one to you peasant. Speak quickly and with purpose.”
At first, the older man struggled to begin, but did so upon the slanting of His Highness’ curled brow. “Your eminence,” began the man, “my family is starving and no work can be had. We have tried everything, but I appeal to your glory and kindness to help your followers this one time. We desire no more than two loaves of bread.”
King Quincey looked hard into the man’s eyes and then, with an angry voice: “Two loaves of bread. Two!? Do you believe bread simply comes forth from ground? You make a mockery of this throne old man and I will see it dealt with. Guards!”
Four armed guardsmen immediately rushed to the scene.
“I will have this old coot stay here – fetch wife and children so that he may see spirit separated from body by means of quarter as warning for such unreasonable demand.”
The guards turned and left, and the old beggar took the ground in tears, screaming at the height of lung. Finally, when he could scream no more, Quincy began to laugh through his own tears.
“I got you!” Quincy laughed.
“What?” replied the beggar through tears.
“I totally had you going. Man, you should… oh man, had you seen the look on your face. I can’t even – did you think I was serious?! Everyone needs to have a sense of humor about these things. So, uh… what should I put you down for? Three loaves?”
“It was Dilroy!” It was always Dilroy. Billy sat in his chair and squirmed like little boys do when they get in trouble. And he was in trouble, but he was also nearly thirty. He’d blamed Dilroy for the mistake but –and he never seemed to learn – there was no Dilroy at the company where he worked.
Wayne sighed and leaned against the cubicle wall. “Billy, this is getting ridiculous. When we hired you – and remember, we were doing your Dad a favor – we agreed that you’d sit at your desk and not touch anything or talk to anyone.”
“But Wayne,” Billy wailed. “If you’d just give me a chance to do some real work I wouldn’t have to be so obnoxious.”
Wayne considered this carefully. Having another worker might be beneficial. But then again, every office needed an obnoxious guy. On the other hand, they weren’t an office. Still, the idea of Billy doing work was laughable. The guy could barely sit still in his chair all day with nothing to do.
“You’re going to have to make a choice” said Wayne.
“And that choice is?”
“I’m either going to need you to find the mythical jock strap of Hercules or see our psychologist.”
Billy’s adventures are too incredible to recount in the written medium, but after returning with the famed jockstrap, briefing the board and giving credit to Dilory, Billy settled back into the role of guy-who-doesn’t-do-anything-and-bothers-everyone and they all lived happily ever after.
THE END
I’ve always thought the idea of adult themes presented in a children’s book format was amusing. These are some awful little tidbits that I’ve written here and there over the years. Most are pretty bad, but there are some gems. I present to you Terrible Short Stories for Children
The Little Boy with too Much to Do.
Adam had too much to do! He couldn’t finish everything so he flung himself from a cliff.
The Little lost Girl
Gretchen was lost in the mall. She had wandered away from her mother. She cried and cried until a nice man said, “Come with me, I’ll drive you home to your house.” Gretchen went with the man and no one ever saw her again.
The Bad Little Dog
Pepper was a bad little dog. He would not sit, he would not roll over and he begged at the dinner table. “I will take Pepper on a trip, and when we come back he will be a good dog.” Later, Father came home but no one saw Pepper. The next night at dinner Father said, “Will someone please pass me Pepper?”
The Bird who Could Not Fly.
Little Bobbie Robin sat in his nest. He could not fly. He decided he must learn, so he hopped out of his nest and jumped. Little Bobbie Robin could not fly.
The Seed that could not Grow
Once there was a little seed. A bird ate it and pooped it out on some rocks. It could not grow.
The Fat Little Cow
There was a farmer who had a fat little cow. Each day he went to see the cow and told her how beautiful she was. He said, “You are the fattest most beautiful cow there ever was!” The cow felt very good and ate as much as she could so she would become even fatter for the farmer. Soon the little cow was so fat she could not walk. The Farmer said, “You are the most amazing cow I have ever seen!” The cow was very happy. Until the Farmer killed and ate her.
The Bad Teacher
Barney’s teacher was bad. She made Barney learn to add and subtract, divide and multiply. She made Barney learn the alphabet and she forced him to read and write. Barney grew up and became a successful business man. When he was rich enough he hired high powered lawyers to sue his bad teacher for ruining his life.
The Little Fish
There lived a little fish in a little pond. He had just learned to swim. One day he was caught by a hook. A boy-scout pulled him from his warm home and danced about gleefully. The boy-scouts ate the little fish.
The Race
Paul ran as hard as he could. He finished last. His father came over to him and said, “It is okay that you did not win. Your brothers are better than you and they will win.”
Three Wishes
Bob found a magic lamp while he was on vacation. The Genie inside said I will give you three wishes. Bob said, “I wish I knew what to wish for! And I wish I was home so I could show my friends. No, I wish I hadn’t wished that.” The Genie slapped Bob.
The Boy Who Cried Turtle
The Wade Family went to the Beach. “Turtle!” said little Timmy Wade. No one looked because Timmy saw Turtles everywhere. The Turtle climbed out of the sea and ate Timmy.
Healthy
Mr. Riggs worked out every day. He ran five miles, he lifted weights for hours and he swam and swam. He only ate healthy foods- never anything he liked. He never had time for anything fun. But he always said, “I’m taking care of myself now so I can enjoy my family when I’m old!” The doctor said Mr. Riggs was in perfect health. A truck hitMr.Riggs and he died.
Ice Cream
Mommy brought home ice cream for dessert. She said if we ate all our vegetables we could have some. Dad ate ice cream before he ate his vegetables. Dad said, “When you are a Dad you can eat what you want.” When I am a Dad I will eat kittens and bunnies.
Baby Lewis Learns to Talk
Baby Lewis was learning to talk. “Come on! You can do it” said Mommy. “Come on! You can do it!” said Daddy. They practiced long and hard, every day for months. Baby Lewis learned how to talk! “Quiet!” said Mommy. “Shhhh!!” said Daddy.
The Bike Story
John had a brand new bike. He had worked hard and saved his money for two years to buy it. Each day he washed and waxed his new bike. He rode it around the neighborhood each afternoon. Every night John carefully put his bike under the porch and locked it to a post. John’s bike was his favorite thing in the whole world. One day John was hungry and he traded his bike for a cookie.
The Lonely Tree
Billy was an oak tree. He was all alone. One day a forest elf said he could have a wish. Billy clapped his branches together. “I wish for a friend!” The forest elf said he would grant the wish. The next day a man came into the woods and walked up to Billy. “I am your friend!” he said. He took out his ax and chopped Billy down.
Best Friends
Pete and Joe were best friends. Where Pete went Joe went. Where Joe went Pete went. They played tag, hide and seek, they ran and laughed. Later that day Pete found a new best friend named Dave.
The Lamp Lie
Lucy was scared. She had broken her mom’s favorite lamp. When mommy saw the lamp she was very sad. Mommy asked Lucy, “Do you know who broke my lamp?” Lucy shook her head. She felt bad inside. When Daddy came home he said, “Do you know who broke mommy’s lamp?” Lucy shook her head. She felt bad inside again. Lucy lied more and more and eventually the bad feeling went away
Mark’s Teeth
Mark would not brush his teeth. His mom told him they would rot and turn green. Mark would not brush his teeth. His Dad told him they would smell bad and turn yellow. Mark would not brush his teeth. His Brother told him they would get cavities and turn gray. . Mark would not brush his teeth. His sister said they would decay and turn brown.. Mark would not brush his teeth. And nothing anyone said came true. Mark’s teeth turned black and fell out.
The Newspaper
Mr. Fuller was not happy. Each day his newspaper was thrown into his grass. Mr. Fuller stopped the paper boy and yelled at him. He told the paperboy to stop throwing the newspaper in the grass. Mr. Fuller was not happy. Each day the newspaper was thrown through his window.
Marvin’s TV
Marvin liked to watch TV. And the TV liked to watch Marvin. One day Marvin went to turn the TV off and the TV turned Marvin off.
Chairs
Chair One: I swear the guy must have been almost four hundred pounds!
Chair Two: Wow, that’s amazing. So you just held him the whole time?
Chair One: What else could I do?
Chair Two: I don’t think I would have made it. I’ve done like three hundred and it was only for like an hour.
Chair One: No, I bet you’d be fine with four hundred.
Chair Two: Remember Sammy?
Chair One: Oh yeah… geez, that was awful.
Chair Two: He just crumpled like paper and that was only about two fifty.
Chair One: Manufacturing defects man- you never know.
Chair Two: Yeah.
Chair One: Hmm.
Chair Two: So… when the big ones get up do you ever take a whiff?
Chair One: Uh… sometimes.
Chair Two: Me too.
The End
Say What? The Story of Tim.
“I’m going to go out today” Tim’s Mom said. “Do you want to come with me?”
“Yes, I’d like to go with you” said Tim. “I have a feeling today will be a fun day.”
Timmy’s mom stopped at the Butcher’s store first. Tim looked over the counter and said, “Why do you need a knife that big?”
“It gives me an edge” said the Butcher
“Knives are dangerous.” Tim replied.
“You’ve got a good point.” The Butcher smiled.
“You could use your teeth.” Tim suggested.
“You’re a cut up, Tim!” laughed the butcher.
Next Tim’s mom went to a bakery. Tim looked over the counter and said,
“You’re really fast!”
“Well, I’m on a roll!” the baker said.
“Do you like to bake bread?” asked Tim.
“No, I just knead the dough!” laughed the baker.
“You shouldn’t tease Tim like that,” scolded Tim’s mom.
“Just trying to get a rise out of him,” the baker joked back.
Next Tim’s mom went to the bank. Tim looked over the counter and said to the teller, “You must have a lot of money because you work at the bank.”
“Oh, that’s rich,” scowled the teller. Tim didn’t say anything else.
Next Tim’s mom stopped by his Father’s car repair shop to visit.
“Hi dad!” said Tim. “How are you?”
“Feeling kind of tired,” Tim’s dad said.
“What’s wrong?” asked Tim
“I’m just a bit run down,” his dad said.
“You look exhausted!” Tim’s mom said.
“Yes, I think we all agree I’m out of gas,” Tim’s dad replied. “But I’ll be okay! I’m almost finished with work. I’ll see you at home!”
On the way home Tim saw an astronaut walking on the road and stopped to say hi.
“What’s it like to be an astronaut?” Tim said
“I’m kind of spaced out kid. I don’t know right now.” Replied the astronaut.
“I guess it’s hard work,” Suggested Tim.
‘There’s just too much pressure. I’m going to go home and get high.” Sulked the astronaut.
“This story has taken a peculiar turn!” said Tim’s mom
“You’re write!” replied Tim. He’d finally gotten the joke.
This story was written March 19th, 2006. No revisions were made. As I reread this I thought there was still a good bit of potential for more “episodes.”
The Tuth about Cooties
Freddy Finkerboot’s older brother had warned him about Cooties.
“When girls turn about ten or so they start producing cooties. They’re like termites, but they eat boys, not wood. Get too close to a girl and wham! The cooties will jump onto you and it’s over.”
Those words echoed in Freddy’s mind as he walked into his classroom. Somehow things seemed less care free this year… something was … “Hi Freddy! Good to see you again!” said Samantha. Freddy let out a scream.
“Just stay back! I know all about you. You won’t get me.” Freddy decided the cooties would probably attack through his mouth so he covered it. “Uhm noph gwing thoo ghet coodephs!” he yelled. Samantha rolled her eyes and walked over to talk to Wally.
Didn’t Wally know about cooties? Hadn’t anyone told him? Freddy had to think fast to save him. He picked up a bottle of glue from a desk and threw it toward the infested cootie girl. Whack! That would show cooties that they couldn’t mess with boys!
Apparently principals didn’t understand about cooties. “They’re everywhere, and if we get to close then ba-zing! We’re gonners!” explained Freddy.
Principal Lottahooey sighed. “Freddy, I think you should spend an hour in the Library and do a little research on Cooties.” Freddy thought that would be a good idea. The library seemed like a place cooties would try and avoid.
Ms. Notalottafun, the librarian, was sitting behind her desk looking unhappy. Freddy said, ‘Do you know where I can find a book on cooties?” Ms. Notalottafun scowled at Freddy. “Cooties? Cooties aren’t real. You kids should be worried about hepatitis A, salmonella, e coli and diseases like that!”
“Hepawhat? What are those things you’re talking about?” Freddy asked. Ms. Notalottafun leaned back in your chair. She said, “Freddy, you’re old enough to know that cooties aren’t real. Let me give you some grown up books to look at.”
Some of the books were hard to understand but Freddy did the best he could. Before he left the library, he had the librarian make some copies of a few pages from the books. Freddy had a plan.
During lunch Freddy walked over to Samantha. “I’m really sorry I hit you in the head with glue. My brother told me that girls had cooties and that’s why I acted so strange,” he said.
Samantha nodded her head and said, “Well, it wasn’t very nice. But I accept your apology. Cooties aren’t real, you know.”
“Now I know,” said Freddy.
Freddy found his brother in the cafeteria. “Flibbert, thanks for warning me about cooties.”
“Um yeah, sure man. No problem.” Flibbert said.
Freddy pulled some papers out of his backpack. He said, “I did some research on cooties and found some other stuff out too. Freddy put the papers down on the table by Flibbert. “You need to watch out for salmonella and e coli in your food because, you know, you get it from the cafeteria. These are worse than cooties. And you shouldn’t drink from the water fountain because you can get hepatitis A from it. That’s worse than cooties too. And here’s a list of things you can actually get from girls.”
Flibbert looked through the papers Freddy had brought. He gagged slightly.
Flibbert didn’t eat much lunch that day and wondered if drinking from the toilet was safer than the water fountain. Freddy enjoyed the lunch he’d brought from home and didn’t give cooties a second thought all day.
The Truth about Cooties was originally written August 20th, 2004. I made slight editorial revisions for this posting.